


Is this real or it's just a fantasy?

by Evavittoria77



Series: One taught me love, One taught me patience, And one taught me pain [2]
Category: League of Legends RPF
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Anal Sex, Cheating, Drama, Drugs, Falling In Love, How Do I Tag, I don't know how to name chapters either, I suck with titles, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sex, Weird Plot Shit, be careful, don't know how to writte other than drama, drama so much drama, i add a new tag every chapter, i dont know how to use tags, no beta we die like man
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:00:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23538019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evavittoria77/pseuds/Evavittoria77
Summary: Martin and hyli fall in love but they both must to overcome their fears. Martin to lose, hyli to come clean.
Relationships: Zdravets "Hylissang" Galabov/Martin "Rekkles" Larsson
Series: One taught me love, One taught me patience, And one taught me pain [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1527590
Comments: 10
Kudos: 41





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So... I'm back? I had this idea a few months ago but i kinda write when I'm really sad so here we are.   
> Trigger Warning. It's my first time writting about drugs and self harm it may be not so hard but if it is, tell me and I'll send you a nicer version of it.   
> Thanks for reading

Martin was devastated. The pain he felt was unbelievable. He walked away from his teammates avoiding their looks and not listening to any of their broken encouraging words. He just wanted to be alone so he picked up his backpack really fast and left the team room closing the door behind him softly. Everything he had worked for, all the months, all the sleepless nights stretching as thin as humanly possible were lost and he could not stop to remember every way he kept making silly mistakes in game, dying for no reason instead of carrying his team to victory how he was supposed to do. Like he had done so many times in the past.

Martin walked through the corridors of the venue in search for the private bathroom they had for the players. He ignored the fans screaming his name and the cheers coming from the stadium where Origen had now the chance to compete for the spring split title and not them. 

Once inside the empty bathroom he choked. Every bit of strength in his body left him and the tears were finally free to flow down his soft skin. His cheeks became red instantly and he fell onto the floor struggling to breath. Martin knew the symptoms like the back of his hand at this point and he instantly knew he was having a full-on panic attack. He had had a few of them in the past, every time he felt powerless and out of control. Inside the bathroom the walls felt smaller and smaller, the air coming into his lungs was not enough to make him feel any better. Every inch of his body was asking him to run away, to pass out, to do  _ something.  _ “you have to stop!” his brain was screaming at him. “You are useless, you cannot do anything right” “Who am i? I can’t do it, i can’t keep going. Im stupid, useless” “i’m worthless.” “nobody cares about the stupid ADC who can’t do anything right” 

Martin knew there was a way to stop the screamings and the pain. There was a way to bring back the calm into his tormentous mind. He knew how. 

The young ADC barely felt it. He was used to save himself and this time was no different. The needle dug deep into his already-scarred skin and started to inject the sweet serum of calm into his bloodstream. The sharp pain in his arm brought him back to reality like a magic wand. He knew that what he needed to do. 

But this time something was off. The the serum of happiness felt like too much, like he would take more than he was used to. His body felt totally out of his control and his mind started to fade into an unknown terrifying darkness. And for the first time since he had walked this path months ago Martin was scared. 

“Martin are you here?” a voice coming from outside was asking him something yet Martin could not speak. He could not move and his veins felt like they were on fire. “Martin? What the hell, why are you on the floor…?” But Hyli didn’t need to keep asking questions: the scene was awfully clear. 

The blond ADC was lying on the floor shaking like he was in the arctic and right beside him was a freshly used needle with a clear liquid inside it. The red blood of the arm shined in his glasses and Hyli was paralyzed.

“Martin… no”.

Hyli was always known as one of the most laziest players on the team and also the most clueless but the truth was, he knew how to act when he had to. When the time was right he knew how to take action and how to solve problems. he was good at it. 

“what did you took?” He asked kneeling down to his adc trying to keep him awake for as long as he could but Rekkles could not make his muscles obey him.  _ “please, don’t. I don’t want you to see me like this. I don’t want anyone to see me like this” _ he screamed but no words came out of his mouth. “we need to get you out of here. We need to go to a hospital” 

Martin was screaming in his mind while Hyli pick him up: the shame, the scrutiny, the future reddit posts none of it was important to him but he knew one thing too damn well: if Riot found out about his “habit” of his he would get fired. he would lose everything he had ever worked for and his whole life would go down the drain. Every possible scenario was running through the ADC’s mind: Hyli would drag him out of the bathroom and everyone would see the mess he had become. they would take pictures of him in this terrible state and the fans would screams insults at him. And then he would have to talk to the team, and Joey and the manager and the Fnatic administration and beg the forgive of Riot who would punish him publicly to use him as an example and his mother and his sister would be so disappointed…

“We need to cover you first” Hyli said. He put a black fnatic hoodie on Martin’s body and threw it over it his face and made the same with himself before stepping outside the bathroom.

Martin’s eyes filled with tears with relief after Hyli took every precaution to keep him safe and wanted to hug him to show how much he appreciate not being judged by his friend. 

They walked out of the venue using a side door with an  _ emergency exit only  _ sign on top and damn if this wasn’t an emergency Hyli thought. He was doing the best he could to hold Rekkles who was too weak and high to walk straight and it took him only a couple of minutes to grab a cab and go to the nearest Emergency Room. 

The driver kept an eye on them for the whole trip. Maybe it was because of their hoodies or the fact that Rekkles was in a worst state than before barely able to keep himself awake his pale skin even more white.No matter what the reason was the taxi drove them really fast until the closest hospital. 

Once there, Hyli realized he couldn’t speak the language yet the lovely nurses were able to rapidly understand what was wrong with Rekkles and took him away in the blink of an eye. 

The waiting was the worst part of it. The adrenaline rush still pumping through his veins kept his head running and spinning. when did all of this started? How did he not notice his friend was struggling? How stupid and self-centered he was when it was pretty obvious Martin would disappear when things got hard? He wouldn't pick up his calls, he wouldn’t talk to anybody for days. It was just  _ so obvious _ . He kept walking up and down the emergency room without any news of his friend and avoiding the calls from the rest of the team until a cute blond nurse told him his friend would be alright.

FInally he was able to breathe, sit down and stop shaking. He was finally able call joey and tell him that they were in the hospital because Rekkles got a food poison but he was ok now. It was easier to tell a half lie and keep it than a complete one. and he was damn sure Rekkles would like to keep whatever happened as a secret. 

When he woke up he was still dizzy. He felt weak and shaky. Sitting right by his side was Hyli looking tired and worried sick and in that exact moment it struck him: Hyli knew it. He knew his deep dark secret and by now probably the whole team would knew it too.

“joey called” Hyli began before Martin had the chance to apologise. “I told them we were in the hospital” and like that, Rekkles world crumbled under his bare feet. It was over. he was going to be kicked out of the team and be publicly humiliated...“I told them you had food poisoned and that you were alright”

And for the second time in a few hours spam Hyli seamed to read his thoughts like a psychic. That guy was taking care of him like a precious pearl and Martin knew he could never repay him enough for what he had done for him

“thank you” He said and started to cry really slow. Every feeling crawled up from their hidden caves to his body at once and hit him in the face. What he had done to deserve such a good friend? Some God might not be as angry at him as he thought.

“it’s ok, you’re gonna be ok” Hyli touched his cheek as softly as a butterfly to clean the tears but when he realized what he was doing he turned tomato-red and took his hand away. 

“Thank you. For everything”

“You are not out of the hook yet. We’re gonna talk about this”

“I suppose you deserve an explanation” Hyli nodded in agreement

“Yes i do. But not tonight, you need to rest. I’ll take you to the hotel in the morning and we’ll speak back in Berlin. We have a lot of free time until we lose again in the summer”

“haha such a funny guy” Martin said with sarcasm.

“Sleep, you need it”

“Ok, see you tomorrow.”

Hyli threw himself on a not-at-all comfy couch by the bed and covered his face with the hood.

“Wait, are you staying here?” Martin Asked surprised

“Yes I am. It’s late to go back to the hotel and I really cannot speak whatever language they have here” he said with a smile and added “plus, I don’t trust you by yourself now”

Martin stomach dropped: of course he wouldn't trust him, he was a mess, a pathetic mess who could not do anything right… “fair enough”

Hyli started to snore softly and Martin was so grateful by his company as he was ashamed of his behaviour. He would have to make up Hyli for all the trouble.

Martin fell asleep thinking of ways to compensate Hyli. 


	2. Ghosts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi I'm back. Since I finally tod you I can only actually write when I'm sad, here is another chapter. Again, TW to all and I hope you find this story interesting Let me know in the coments. sorry for my bad english.  
> Also, thank you for the kudos, they make me so happy!

The next morning they went back to the hotel to pick up their things before returning to Berlin in the next flight they could get. While waiting for the cab to arrive Martin started to feel the dark eyes of the bulgarian checking him every moment, like he was about to break and become a mess any second and Martin realized that secret would haunt him forever.

“could you stop doing that?” 

“doing what?” 

“Looking at me like that. It’s annoying and hurtful” Martin tried to explain. He wasn’t very good with words and talk about how he felt, but this time he just wanted Hyli to stop giving him those concerned looks every minute. It really did hurt him to catch his friend looking at him like he was a train wreck and he was just a bystander passing through

“I’m sorry I just…”

“you are worried and thinking how could I be so stupid to fall for that”

“yes! I mean no! I do worry about you I’m just thinking how could _ I _ be so blind. You were right there everyday in the chair next to me and I never even notice you were suffering” there was real sorrow in his voice and his eyes behind those glasses could not look the blond in the eye

“I..” He didn’t expect that response at all: all he could think of was that Hyli should be angry and disappointed but instead, he blamed himself and that made him feel even worse. He never wanted to hurt anybody but himself and now he was hurting his best friend in the process. “I’m sorry i made you worry. I just… it’s been hard you know?”

“this split? yes, but we have overcome worst. I mean we did lose 0-3 in the world finals” he tried to laugh it off 

“No… I mean… life is hard”

“life?” Hyli could not follow the train of thoughts his friend was going down. He was a fairly positive guy and he never had much to worry about, only his job playing league so he was not sure what Martin was trying to say. His emerald eyes were looking at him without really looking and his shoulders were down, like the weight of the world was hanging in them. 

“ignore me, i guess I’m still a bit groggy” 

Something inside Hyli told him that there was more to it in Martin’s mind, more of that thing that was hurting him deeply. And he also knew he should not push the ADC to speak if he didn’t wanted to or they would end up fighting. It happened in the past….

Martin felt a hole in his chest. He felt sad and angry and frustrated but also a bit happy to have someone worried for him. It was such a warm feeling he hadn’t felt for a long time. Of course no one would understand his damn mind and he could not keep trying to make them understand. He had tried in the past, with Rasmus, to tell him how heavy everything felt, how much pressure was on his shoulders but he didn’t understand either. He had just left the team leaving him feeling like a burden.

After a few minutes of silence in the hotel lobby the cab arrived and drove them to the airport. During the flight Hyli did his best to stop giving Martin more of those worried looks and that made him felt a bit better. When they finally landed in Berlin Martin when straight to his apartment leaving Hyli wonder if it was a good idea to leave him alone.

After Hyli enter the gaming house he shared with the rest of the team he found something shocking inside: Tim and Broxah were kissing right there, in the living room in the exact same couch they had for their meetings. Tim’s face was all red and he his hands were tangled in Mads’ blond hand and the jungler was holding him close by the waist and Hyli prayed they have been doing  _ only  _ that _. _

“what the hell?” Hyli exclaimed dropping his backpack on the floor making a lot noise and catching the mid-jungle duo’s attention

Both Tim and Mads looked at him freaked 

“we were… umm… we were” Mads’ tried to say but no real excuse could explain the scene in front of Hyli’s eyes

“when did this happened? and why didn’t you tell me?” he asked Mads smiling with his genuine happiness smile. He was part of the plan all along but he just assumed it had failed long time ago so he was happy both guys found their way around each other. Tim was shaking a little for the surprise and the shame he felt of being caught red handed when they thought they were alone. The hadn't stop kissing since the night they confessed and had sneak away every chance they had to do it. This time they were supposed to be alone until five when Bwipo would come back from his girlfriend’s home but they did not count on Hyli coming back from Rotterdam

“I… you see…” Mads’ face was all red looking at Hyli and trying no to look so uncomfortable as he felt with Tim’s grey eyes piercing at him and frowning 

“I thought you had just given up with this whole thing”

“what thing?” Tim asked, looking at his teammate and his boyfriend alternately

“ Well you see…”

“Ups, did I say something wrong?”

“What the hell is he talking about?” demanded Tim knowing the had been hiding something

“Well, Martin kind of knew I had a crush on you so he wanted to help…”

“and?” 

“and apparently he brought all the team on board with him”

“He did WHAT?” Tim jumped out of his spot on the couch: the redness from the kissing became angry white.

“sorry dude, I really thought he wouldn't have the courage to ask you out or that you may not be interested”Hyli tried to explain to Tim but failing miserably. He was making it even worse

“so you all did  _ a plan _ behind my back and you knew about it?”

“I…”

“ups” was all Hyli could say before Tim stormed out of the room with Mads behind him trying to explain himself.

Hyli went to his room still worried for Martin and now worried he might have ruined something so beautiful like Mads and Tim’s relationship. He felt like he could not catch a break from all the drama around him so he went to bed early, just to scroll on his phone trying no to think much about anything. He was exhausted from the rollercoaster of emotions: from the terrible semifinal to Martin’s hospital scene, to sleeping in a couch on the hospital and the flight home. He took his glasses off and drift off into dreamland in ha heartbeat.

In the meantime Martin had arrived to his empty apartment and sighed, kinda hoping someone would come out of the kitchen to welcome him home. But no one was there. The black worried eyes from his best friend followed him home like a ghost.

Martin left his luggage in the living room and went to get some water while he tried to remember how it all started but he just could not pinpoint the exact moment of his downfall. He only remembered bad days turning into bad weeks and bad weeks into bad months. Bad game after bad game. In the past he always found peace in League, When he had a really bad day he just turn on his computer and played a few games and he knew everything would be alright. He was good. He was considered one of the best ADC in the world along with other amazing superstars and that made him feel good, unique, special. But then, that feeling became a pressure to stay on top, to win everything, to keep being good season after season. His name was known and he had to be the best. That “special” sensation became unbearable every time they lose, even when he knew it wasn’t all his fault. He was also the face of one of the most respected organization in the world and was treated like wonder-boy… as long as he kept winning, kept bringing glory to their name. 

While he put his clothes into the washing machine (he did not like to procrastinate on housekeeping) he remembered the first time he tried that stupid thing. 

It was very cold and very dark in the streets of Berlin. They had just lost MSI 2018 to the soon-to-be champion RNG and he was feeling like shit. The rest of his team had just left in the van to the gaming house when a familiar face appeared in the corner of the street. 

“I saw the game” he said with a side smile on his handsome face as he stood in front of the blond, smoking a cigarette.

“Yeah. It was terrible”

“what happened? You guys seemed lost up there”

“I…” He had no words to describe their performance that night. It was bad, disastrous.

“how are you feeling?” 

Martin didn’t dare to answer knowing he didn’t need to. The blue eyes of the man standing in front of him went straight to his sleeves looking for evidence of a secret he once let out to him. There it was. His cold white hand was all wet and red. 

“I see you have been…”

“yes, so what? You know that’s the way I deal with shit”

“I know. And you still know I don’t like it.” His voice grew deeper, harsher. He knew secrets from Martin no one else ever knew. Once upon a time he thought he could be the one to save him, that they would be together forever... those days were long gone but the secrets still remained. 

“I have something it could help you- It has helped me” The man handle something to Martin, something that looked dangerous and simply stupid. But he was feeling extremely sad and he had a tendency of being reckless when he felt that way. It was no coincidence he had chose to name himself like that.

That was the first time. The first time felt almost magical: like his first kiss, like his first win in professional league, like every victory in the last split. He felt like that and more. And he was relaxed and happy, like the was no evil in the world, like he could do no wrong. 

He didn’t need that help for months. The bad games were no that terrible and he was still cheered for. They were the favourites to win the split and they did. They were good enough to make it to worlds and they did. But the pressure kept adding onto his shoulders so the magic helper was there for him like no one ever was., not even his boyfriend could help him like that. And then, they lost worlds finals. And then, Rasmus left. And everything crumbled. 

Suddenly he could no longer wait for scrims to be over to go home and get the serum of calm and happiness. His performance got worse after Tim joined the team and the rest was history. 

the buzzling sound of the fridge made him feel incredibly alone. He was alone, and he didn’t wanted to be. 

“are you still awake?” He texted and check the clock. it was past midnight  _ of course he’s not awake you idiot _

Martin went to bed feeling anxious and depressed, feeling like a burden for every person he loved.


	3. Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I could say sorry for being late but you know me by now. Thank you for sticking with me

10:30 am

“Hi! I’m sorry I went to bed early last night. Did something happened?” 

as Hyli opened his eyes and read the text he felt a knot starting to form in his stomach

“no, it’s ok, I just wanted to know if you have seen my mousepad, I cannot find it anywhere”

“no, sorry.” He relaxed in his bed again. If something had happened he would tell him right? He hoped it would

“oh, ok.” Martin was lying. He could not stop himself from pretending everything was fine: he didn’t wanted Hyli to worry and also could not face a real heart-to-heart talk. He cursed himself for being so weak the night before and he promise himself It would be the last time he would fall for that

11:15 am

“are you coming to the office today?” Hyli asked while eating his favourite cereal straight out of the box like an animal while checking no one was around

“Do I have to?” Martin, on the other side, was sitting in the small kitchen of his flat sipping a way-too-hot cup of coffee. He wasn’t a fan of morning coffee but he felt like he needed a fresh start. The defeat against Origen still ached in his body not to mention Caps actually winning the spring split without them. He had just come back from the gym where he punished himself by doing more reps in every exercise. 

“well Joey said he wanted to talk to us”

“oh, ok i guess”Martin felt a hole in his stomach. Joey would probably wanted to know what the hell had happened to him after the match unless Hyli had actually told him already… No, his friend had taken every precaution to cover for him so he would not spill the tea so easily. Or so he hoped 

“Everything would be alright, I promise”

And like that Martin felt something blooming inside of him. He felt like he could trust Hyli, like he had someone that he could rely on for the first time in years

Martin got dressed with his favourites black clothes not without stopping to check himself in the mirror for a minute: He looked dead tired like he hadn’t slept all night and the bags under his eyes were enough proof of that. His usually thin frame was even more thinner since he wasn’t eating much lately given the stress and the anxiety creeping into his body. HIs pale skin was sheet-white, a clear contrast with his choice of clothing. He  cursed under his breath before leaving the apartment. 

The walk to the gaming house was short and he quickly found himself going through the front door to find his worst nightmare was coming true: six pair of eyes stared at him, pierced him like knives. Broxah and Nemesis were sitting only a few inches apart from each other on the couch. Bwipo was sitting in a chair looking very relaxed. Hyli was standing by the window probably looking outside to see him show up. His face was all red and could not look Martin in the eyes.

Joey was also there, standing in the middle of the room. He was the first to break the uncomfortable silence that had fallen between them. 

“Martin, finally. Take a sit please”

He was frozen like a marble sculpture and he slowly shook his head. He needed to be close to the door for when he had to run away from his teammates. 

“as you wish. I guess not all of you know why I summoned all of you”

all eyes left Martin and looked directly to the coach.

“It was a terrible semifinal and we all know it. We all made mistakes” he began “We all had our issues” After that he made a pause just to look at Martin for a long minute before continue

“but I want you all to be happy for what we have accomplished as a team. We went from losing every single game to be in the semifinal so let’s feel good about that. But there is still a issue we need to address as a team”

_ there it was  _ Martin thought,  _ this is the moment of truth. should I come clean or deny everything?  _ the ADC looked for Hyli’s eyes to try to find an answer to his dilemma but his friend was still lost in his own thoughts not even lifting his eyes from the ground. 

Hyli followed Martin behind the window as he crossed the street and into the building where the gaming house was located. His black glassy eyes never leave his friend as he entered the room and stood there in front of everyone. 

And for the first time, Hyli knew what he had been missing all this time: his teammate, his friend was way too skinny, too pale, too tired. His green eyes lost that spark they had when they first meet, when they were a new botlane team. Those eyes were smart and determined, those eyes never failed to have a fire burning behind them. He was full of will and determination. But now, after all this time, they looked lost, almost scared of the world around them. The was no more straight shoulders and confident smile, there only was a ghost of what they once were and Hyli’s heart broke a little. How could he had missed all of that? How could a ghost took place of his friend and never noticed? Martin looked like the statue of a greek god, just as dead and cold as them. His heart skipped a beat and he realized he had been staring at him so his face turn into a deep shade of red. While Martin’s green eyes stopped in his, he tried to give him a reassuring smile, he failed and could only compose a crooked grimace.

“and that issue is one that cannot go unoticed…”

“sorry” Martin whispered before he could stop himself. His already small figure became smaller with regret and shame. 

“is that we have a new couple on the team”

“What?”

“Mads and Tim are a together. And why are you sorry?”

“I… wanted to apologise for not notice they were finally together”

Tim was all red from the root of his hair all the way until his toes. He didn’t liked public display of affection or any emotion for that matter but this was necessary. As part of his work ethic he needed them to know he would be just as professional as always and that their romance would not step in the way of his work. Just like it did not happened in the past with oskar…

“congratulations man” Bwipo said palming Mads’ back obviously happy for them. He already had caught them kissing in two different occasion and yelled at them to stop but he was genuinely 

“hey” 

“you too little man. I hope you are happy. Although we owe you an apology for the way we behaved in the past”

“What?” Mads growled but he was ignored by Tim and Bwipo 

“yeah, with the whole trying to get information out of you and try to set you up with Mads”

“YOU DID WHAT?!”

“oh, not again” Muttered Broxah.

“yeah, you know. we didn’t though it was gonna work but apparently it did. You  _ did  _ told him right Mads?

The only answer the toplaner got from them was an angry Tim walking past them in fury followed by a embarassed Mads. 

“oh, oh. I think i said something wrong didn’t i?”

“oh man, poor Tim” said Hyli remembering the time HE screw it up.

“ I'm sure they can solve it. And now, i have a date with my lovely girl. see ya loosers!”

“now that we are alone, I’d like to have a word with you two” Joey said


	4. truth

“now that we are alone, I’d like to have a word with you ”

Martin and Hyli nodded and sat on the couch like preschoolers about to be reprimanded. “What on earth were you two thinking? Hiding that from me? are you insane? 

Hyli looked at Martin surprised and tried to deny what he  _ knew _ his ADC was thinking: he hadn’t said a word about the incident in Rotterdam and he wanted to make sure Martin knew that. But his green eyes were fixed on the floor and his expression was pure shame.

“I'm sorry” he said with a broken voice. He sounded like he was just about to start crying and he actually felt like it could happen at any moment. 

“you better be. I was freaking out when we couldn’t find you anywhere. Everyone was worried sick.” his voice was harsh: he wanted them to feel bad for what they had done

“I’m really sorry. All I thought was that I needed to take Martin to the hospital. He was in a really bad state”

“And it hadn't occurred to you to tell us? I know food poison can get really bad and we could have take you in the fnatic van and not in a cab”

Martin lifted his eyes to meet Joey’s. He was being serious and he was really worried for his well being and that warmed his heart a little. His coach could be hard on them sometimes, he could push them to the very limit and change his mind in a heartbeat- but he was not a bad person: when one of his players was feeling bad he always tried to talk to them im private, to go with them to the doctor, and he even suggested a psychology if they ever need one.  _ It's not really you he cares about, you know. It’s the wonder boy, it’s the superstar’s health he only cares about  _ an internal voice whispered to his ear. It was the voice of destruction, the voice that tried to push everyone away from him by convincing him that no one actually wanted him, that no one could ever love him. And then he felt really guilty for cursing Hyli in his mind in all the languages he could think of. 

Guilt and self hatred were the two main components of his personality at that point and he could not figure out a way to stop it.

After the brief talk they had with Joey where they apologized repeatedly for being irresponsible and inconsiderate with the rest of the team, they were let off the hook for the rest of the day.

“wanna grab a coffee? We have some catching up to do” Hyli said with a sad smile when Joey went to meet the new analyst of Fnatic

“maybe another day? Martin said, shrugging. 

“oh no, maybe you are free from Joey, but not from me. You owe me this, you are my friend and you owe me”

“You’re right,” Martin said with a prick of guilt. He was absolutely right, he owed him an explanation on his behavior, on the scene he had witnessed but then, what was he gonna tell him? The truth was too pathetic and sad and he didn't wanted to lie to Hyli, no matter how good he was at it. All of the options danced through his head as they silently walked to the nearest café.

The boys grabbed a table in the back of the cafe, far from the rest of the customers who barely paid any attention to them .

“what can I get you?” The waitress aproached them and looked at the boys alternative but Martin could not look up to her. He was looking at his hands again, like a lost puppy who gave up all hope to get back home. 

“Hot chocolate for me” said Hyli with a soft smile 

“and coffee. Black” Martin’s voice was barely audible even for the boy across the table

“and bring us some of your special cake please” The blond waitress nodded and left them alone, finally

“I didn’t know you were hungry” pointed Martin catching a glance of his friend, trying to make some conversation and maybe not even talk about what they were supposed to talk about at all

“I’m not. It’s for you” Said Hyli like it was obvious

That caught Martin off guard again and he discovered that Hyli had a true gift for doing that

“what? why?”

“cause you need to eat. Do you really think I haven’t noticed how thin you are?” the bags under his eyes were darker than ever as they eyes meet

“but…”

“you’ll eat it and you’ll like it”. Hyli was not the bossy type but he could be a shotcaller when he needed to and Martin would come to find out he actually liked that. He was always the shotcaller, a strong voice for everyone, a counselor and a therapist at times. It was good to know he could actually rely on someone to make the choices he could not do for himself.  _ could you be more stupid?  _ The voice said and for one Martin wanted to shut it but he was not strong enough to make it completely go away, not even for a moment.

Martin wanted to feel really happy at that moment: Hyli was taking care of him, sweet but firm. He had missed that sensation.  _ don’t be a fool  _ he thought  _ he just feel sorry for you. _

The cake and the coffee were soon in front of him and he could no longer stall the conversation so then he decided to face it the best he could. “Ok, what do you wanna know?”   
“i’m guessing  _ what the hell  _ is too vague right?” Martin laughed dryly and nodded. It took him a minute to ponder his next question. “ok, so… when did all of this start?” 

“umm… about a year ago? After MSI to be exact” He knew the exact date and time. He remembered every time he took the magic serum but it was too much to say. Too much for the first time he was able to say it outloud. 

“so all this time…?” Hyli stomach twisted at the months of torture his friend had gone throught   
“no, not all the time. It started there but got worse after losing worlds” It was incredible how easy was for him to talk to Hyli 

“oh my god”

“i’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you” He did felt truly horrible for exposing his demons to him: was it too much for Hyli? should he just shut up? Lie?

“no you… I didn’t notice” 

Hyli was ashamed and, for the first time, it was him that lowered his gaze. 

“well... It was a secret after all”

“yeah but… I remember now. You missed my calls, you skipped the team’s trips and shootings… you…”

“yeah. I guess I am not as professional as I thought” tried to laugh it off without much success

“why didn’t you tell me?”

“why would I? It’s my problem. My burden to take”

And in that moment, Hyli found an unknown piece of his friend’s nature: he was brave and a fool. He was brave to take his pain, to try to solve it all by himself but he was also a fool, a fool for thinking he was all alone for that. He didn’t want to worry them, he wanted to be a good leader and a good friend.

“no, it’s not. It’s not all you, you know” Hyli put a hand in Martin’s arm. A soft and intimate touch, a touch that wanted to scream  _ I’m here. I’m here for you. I have always been here for you.  _

“I know my responsibility with the team, i haven’t forgot about that”

“it’s not about the team you idiot. We’re friends. At least i consider you my friend and i don’t like to have a friend suffering and not know about it… not being able to help”

“I… You are my friend” a soft touch on his hand. Hyli felt the blood rushing to his face but did not take his hand away. It felt like a lifeline for both of them. 

“then why didn’t you tell me?”

“i'm sorry” Martin got lost for a moment in the black eyes of the bulgarian while the heat rose up his arm

“you better be. I expect more from you. I want to know about you, how you feel, what you think, what makes you happy”

_ this moment _ Martin thought  _ this moment makes me happy.  _ But he could not say that. 

“Ok, I will”

“Promise me?”

“I promise” Hyli knew one thing for sure: Martin was a man of his word and he would have trusted his life on his word.

“Ok. Now, can I have a bite of that cake? It looks amazing.

Martin nooded, smiling. He felt a rush of adrenaline, happiness for the rest of the afternoon. 


	5. Good days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> haven't read it twice xD

The two boys spended the next few weeks bonding, just like in the good old days: playing league and other games together and talking a lot about everything and nothing at all for hours. It made them really happy just to be two normal guys enjoying a video game far from the competitive scene and the pressure of it all. Of course, the off season wasn’t going to last forever but oh boy! wouldn't they die for it?

Some days were bad days: they lose every single game and they felt like they would never get the magic of the botlane back; but some other days were really good days, they won their matches, shared their favourite food and watched some vampire diaries since they were both curious and ashamed at the same time. Today it was one of those days

“oh, come on. Elena doesn’t belong with Stefan, she was saved by Damon first, she has to be with him”

“are you kidding me!? Stefan is the ultimate good guy: he is sweet and caring and Damon only thinks about himself” Hyli replied frowning: Martin was completely blind if he could not see that they were the perfect match. 

“yeah, but he cares for her more than he let on”

“maybe, but Stefan…”

“what the hell?” asked a very surprised voice behind their backs. Both Hyli and Martin turned around on the couch to find an astonished Bwipo looking at them and the screen alternatively. And as if they were caught doing something dirty, they both turned red-

“um… we were…” tried Hyli knowing all too well that the series continued playing behind his back. A very romantic scene to be exact

“watching a chick flick together?” 

“it’s not only for chics” defended Martin, still a bit red after pausing the Vampire Diaries in the middle 

“I can see that…” he said and laughed. Bwipo was not the most perceptive guy in the team. Actually, a brick should fall to his head for him to recognize any kind of romantic interaction, but this time, and for the first time in his life he saw it: it was clear that Hyli was interested in Martin. Just the way he looked at him, the way his eyes lit up whenever Martin entered a room and how loud was his laugh at the worsts of Martin’s jokes. 

“anyway I just wanted to let you know that Mads and Tim fought this morning and it sounded very bad.”

“really?”

“yeah, didn’t you hear that? Tim’s room is right next to yours” Bwipo scratched his head surprised that he did not hear anything.  _ that’s weird  _ he though

“No i…”

“where were you?” Now that the top laner had stopped to think about it, he hadn’t seen much of Hyli in the morning lately: he used to catch him eating cereal from the box when he thought no one was looking but this last few days…  _ weird indeed. _

“i… I’ve been having breakfast at a coffee place lately.”

“alone?” 

“Um…” a scream upstairs interrupted what he was about to say. Hyli sighed in relief for not having to explain his morning adventures with Martin. Even if Bwipo did not have a very good eye for some things, he sure could make up some dirty stories about them. 

“I DON’T CARE!” a deep voice sounded even more deeper tinted by his anger.

“but you have to understand!” Tim was running behind Mads and grabbed his muscular arm trying to stop him but the jungler was way too strong to be bothered by Tim’s tiny arms .

“No. I always understand.I don’t want to understand.”

“he is my friend, my best friend!” The three boys down stairs understood everything in that exact moment. Selfmade was causing troubles in paradise. 

“he wants to be more than that, how can you not see that?”

“what? he’s dating Jus.”  _ oh, the plot thickens  _ Bwipo was on fire that day. He was so proud of himself for noticing things that day he just wanted to run to his girlfriend and tell her.

“are you really that stupid?”   
“oh, so now you think i’m stupid? blind, a cheater and now stupid?” the voices stopped in the stairs. 

“i didn't say that”

“oh, yeah you did. Maybe you shouldn’t date some stupid boy who can’t see his best friend suposedly has feelings for him. Maybe you should look for someone more mature than me” Tim chirps and walks away, back to his room.

“Tim” Mads calls but the mid laner doesn’t stop

“no. I want to be alone” This time it was his voice who had raised a bit

“fine!

“fine”

“uh oh… that sounds bad isn’t it?”

“yeah. Mads seems to think that Selfmade it’s after Tim. And Tim obviously disagrees” Bwipo explains trying to show how much he had understood. Hyli rolled his eyes and smiled at his friend. He could be such a child sometimes

“we should do something” Said Hyli next with a worried voice nudging Martin

“why? They’ll probably work it out eventually” Martin just wanted to go back to enjoy some Vampire Diaries with Hyli, just the two of them. It was the best part of his days but Hyli was a much more compassionate guy.  _ Maybe that’s why I like him, he _ thought and for a second he didn’t realize what he had just thought.  _ as a friend! I like him as a friend! _

“May I remind you that it was  _ you _ who set them up? aren’t you a bit responsible for this?” 

“So what?”

“Martin!”

“ok, ok.” He could not say no to Hyli when he was being his kind self “I’ll take Mads, you take Tim”

“I’ll go talk to my girlfriend then. I have some good news for her”.

Martin and Hyli exchanged a look not getting what the hell was he talking about. 

“but he doesn’t seem aware of how selfmade looks at him” He said that name like it was poison in his lips

“you know Tim can be a bit innocent at times. But _ he is _ with you. He loves you, didn’t he tell you that?”

“yeah but.... He calls him in the middle of the night to talk and he always answers, even when he’s with me”

“and what do they talk about?” Martin asked, more curious than anything

“some drama between him and Crownshot it think...” Mads shrugged, frustrated.

“...and he is my friend. I have to be there for him right?” Tim was sitting in his bed, while Hyli sat on his gaming chair in front of him.

“of course you do” the support agreed. For him, as well as for Tim, loyalty was the most important thing in the world. And for the first time since Tim joined the team they understood each other in a very complex way

“then why does he get mad at me? Oskar is suffering and Jus is too. I want to help them, to make them happy, why can’t he see that?”

“maybe… and I’m just thinking here, maybe he fears the only way you can make Selfmade happy is by… well.. being with him” the bulgarian suggested

“and why would he think that?” 

“you seriously don’t know?” Hyli was surprised how innocent Tim was. It was pretty clear for all of them that Selfmade had serious intentions with the mid-laner ever since he joined Fnatic “Tim, boy, he was in love with you. I bet he still is”

“how can you know that?”

“it’s just the way…”

“...the way he looks at him: like Tim was a piece of meat and he was starving. It drives me crazy” Mads was walking up and down his small room. Martin worried he was going to carve a hole on the floor if he kept walking

“i know, I understand. But isn’t it good for you that Tim can’t see that? Because if he could it would mean he wants to be looked like that. But he just sees him as a friend” Explained Martin

“i guess you are...”

“right”. Tim kept silence as he meditate Hyli’s words 

“yes. think about how many times he wanted to spend time alone with you. That is what a person who is in love does: calls just to talk, wants to spend every second of the day with you, make up silly conversations or watch things they don’t like just to be with you. does that ring a bell?”

Tim stopped a second to think about what Hyli was saying. 

“maybe…”

“...I should apologize to him. He is very loyal with his friends and that’s something I love about him” Mads finally sits up in his bed. Martin, who was standing by the window, sighed in relief

“yeah. It’s a great quality. A guy who is loyal and cares about his friends and their wellbeing is someone who has to be loved”

“yeah…” Mads frowned, no understanding Martin’s expression. He looked lost in thought, like he was dreaming but he finally felt better about the whole situation. 

An hour later Tim and Mads were able to solve their differences and were making out on the couch. Hyli and Martin looked at them like proud parents until the kiss became more and more passionate and they felt uncomfortable just to be there.

“maybe we should…”Martin said and grabbed Hyli’s hand to drag him out of the gaming house. “wanna come to my place?” the adc asked after they reached the street.

Hyli was not listening to his friend: his eyes were fixed on the cold hand of Martin holding his. 

“hey are you ok…” and then he realized. He let go of his hand and turned red

“sorry… what were you saying?”

“um… I was just asking if you'd like to come to my place and finnish the season?”

“oh… yeah. Sounds good.” 


	6. dates part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cat on keyboard. Sorry for spelling mistakes. also, just read it once so please be kind xD

_ I close my eyes, _ _  
_ _ but I can't fall asleep, _ _  
_ _ my body dying for rest while my mind's wide awake. _

Zdravets “Hylissang” Galabov loved to read. He usually did not had much time to do it since he often stayed up late grinding soloQ and that always translated into him waking up about noon. But the offseason had come with many surprises for him and being able to read again was one of them. The other ones came in the form of a blond face every morning, waking him up early for some coffee and a nice walk, and a voice on the phone calling him around midnight to remind him to go to bed. It was a new lifestyle he was clearly not used to: healthy meals, early breakfast and a good night sleep suddenly gave him time to actually read some. He was now reading a japanese author who usually speaks directly to his soul and this time it was no different: he felt like that sometimes, like his soul could not sleep even when his eyes grew heavy. He felt like days kept passing and the sleep became harder  _ because of Martin  _ Hyli thought and he realized that’s exactly what he’s been doing all this time. Thinking about him. Everytime he went to bed, the last text he sent was to martin:  _ in bed already. He _ usually received the smiley emoji back. He could imagine Martin’s smile even when he was blocks away in his own apartment. 

Every morning, the first text he send was also to him:    
_ already up.  _ _  
_ _ I'll pick you up in 20’.  _ was his usual response. 

He thought about him every time he saw something funny or did something crazy in his soloQ. Hyli felt like they were getting really close to each other and he was very happy: not only cause all the time they were spending together, not even because they seemed to get the botlane magic back but because he had seen Martin getting better: he was eating better, looking healthier and well rested and, the most important thing, he was looking happier than he had seen him in a long time.

_ I'm downstairs.  _ oh crap! he had totally lost track of time and now Martin was waiting for him on the sidewalk outside the gaming house.  _ Be there in five  _ he texted and stopped by the bathroom to check his image: his hair was a mess, like always, but this time it was even in a worst state since he had no time to properly fix it or at least brush it-. his shirt was looking a bit wrinkled but not more than usual. He looked pretty normal for his coffee date.  _ it’s not a date _ he reprimands himself  _ we are just getting our morning coffee. _

“hi, sorry for keeping you waiting” Hyli said once he reached the sidewalk, a bit agitated because of the short run downstairs  _ I need to start exercising,  _ Hyli thought gasping for air. 

“No problem” Martin took a long minute to stare at him from head to toe and then he asked, worried “did you slept well?”

“yeah, why?” Hyli felt his ears grow red at Martin’s scrutiny and he suddenly knew.  _ oh it’s my hair. I knew I should had fixed at least a little bit.  _

_ “ _ you look tired” 

“oh that… i stayed late last night… “ he admitted feeling a pinch of guilt. He had told Martin he had gone to bed around midnight and it was technically the truth: he had gone to bed at that time but stayed till’ four just reading.

“what were you doing?” asked Rekkles, suspicious, and felt a wave of heat going up his stomach.

“well… i was reading”. He could not see his friend in the eye anymore

“you read?” Martin was astonished.

“yeah. I am a multifaceted man, you know”

“I can see that…”

“can we just drop the subject? I’m starving” Martin noded and they start walking to his usual coffee place. they grabbed their coffees and sat at the same table they always did. after a few minutes of comfortable silence, Martin had an idea:   
“Hey, would you like to take a walk after this? There’s a new place I want to check out.”   
“yeah sure” Hyli smiled. He loved to spend time with Martin and those little adventures had led them to some great places in Berlin, places he would have never found by himself. Silence fell again, but it was the most peaceful kind of silence, the one that you could never trust because it’s just too good to last.    
Martin led them both through the big crowded streets of Berlin, just occasionally checking his phone for directions: getting lost with Hyli was almost as good as actually going to places but this time it was different. He wanted to take Hyli to a place he would probably love and he knew it. After a few minutes of walk they arrived in a small park surrounded by small shops. The day was beautiful, the fresh air filling their lungs, the sweet song of birds and the sun warming up their skins made them feel more alive than ever: they were together and everything was fine. Martin realized it was the first time in years he had felt that way. there was a similar feeling when he was high, but it was not even close to the actual peaceful happiness he was experiencing at that moment. He touched Hyli’s hand and the warm fuzzy feeling in his chest bubbled. His friend’s face was all red as he pointed to one particular store in the opposite corner of the square. Hyli frowned, trying to read the sign above the store but he could not do it and pointed at his glasses. Martin laughed acknowledging the fact that Hyli’s sigh was not very good so he took him by the hand and dragged him closer to the store.   
Hyli could barely walk straight while feeling his skin getting warmer in the exact point where Martin was holding him. He just wanted to run away in the opposite direction: whatever he was feeling in that moment could not be good. There was something really wrong with him if he felt like butterflies in his stomach. Suddenly they stopped in front of a store that said MERLIN’S RARE BOOKS.   
“what…?”   
“I thought you might like it” said Martin proud after seen Hyli’s amazed face.   
“I do… I just… it was unexpected. How do you even know this place?” Hyli asked blushing again. It was a lovely small store decorated like a little castle of stone and wood.    
“Hey I read!” Hyli raised an eyebrow, disbelieving   
“ok, i got lost last week. But i thought you could enjoy it”   
“can we go in?” the support asked like a child in front of a toy store   
“Yes, of course” Martin opened the door for Hyli like a gentleman would do and he felt it was the most natural behaviour but Hyli did not take it that way. He felt uncomfortable from all the weird feelings in his stomach and in his guts when he watched Martin’s smile with his green eyes shining and his sculptural body holding the door for him like… no, that was wrong.    
But after they went in, every bad thought left his brain: what looked like a small castle-theme store on the outside, it was an actual castle on the inside. Hundreds and hundreds of books were piled up everywhere filling every corner of the big room. There was no place for decorations or even a counter in the sea of books. Hyli was almost jumping from the excitement and Martin smiled at that.    
“ok, I'll let you wander around if you want but promise me you won’t get killed by a pile of books falling onto your head” Hyli giggled and nodded before getting lost in the sea of books, amazed. 

Hyli spent almost four hours going around books and wanting to take all of them home. At the end he bought seven books, special and last editions of books he always wanted to read and went looking for Martin but he was nowhere to be found.  _ Did he leave me? What time is it?  _ _  
_ Hyli checked his phone  _ 1:30 oh shit. he must have left hours ago. How could he not, i was so caught up in the books I barely paid any attention to him. I’m an idiot. He was right to leave me, I'm a jackass. he was so nice to me and I… _ _  
_ “I see you’ve finished” said a voice very close to his ear. Hyli almost jumped in his feets.   
“I… i… yeah” his heart was racing and he felt it could escape his chest at any moment. Hyli took a step back, taking distance from the voice and the smile.   
“I see you found some things. I was just across the street making a lunch reservation. is that ok with you?” Martin smiled but behind his smile he had seen Hyli taking a step away from him, looking around for a way to run and all the beautiful memories they had created that morning came crashing down    
“um, yeah. I’m actually really hungry” Hyli’s stomach growled in response.   
“I thought so. Shall we go?”

They crossed the street to a small cafe that looked really cosy. They sat down next to a window where they could observe the park and the people passing by. when Hyli finally dared to look up he found Martin looking outside the window, lost in thought. He suddenly looked sad and that beautiful smile had abandoned his face and the bulgarian felt like shit. like he had caused the sudden wave of sadness in his best friend.    
“thank you for bringing me here. It was a great place they had there” said timidly. Martin looked at him and smiled bright for a moment.    
“I’m glad you enjoyed it” he said and the mask of sadness took his place again as the green eyes left Hyli’s face and went back to the outside world.    
“I really did. you are a great friend” Hyli said and his stomach twisted a little. his heart started racing again but this time it was not from happiness. Hyli felt like a wall had fallen between them in just a second.    
“I know I am,” Martin said laughing but it was a dry one.    
They had lunch in silence. Not the peaceful, full-of-joy kind of silence. It was the silence between two people that had nothing to say or rather that don’t know what to say.    
Suddenly Martin’s phone rang. Hyli watched him pick it up and read the text with a surprised face. He hesitated before answering it with a half smile.    
“everything ok?” Hyli asked, curious.    
“yes” 

Half an hour later they were walking back to the gaming house where Hyli lived. Martin escorted him home before saying goodbye and returning to his own apartment. Hyli felt like he was saying goodbye to the good days but he tried to shake that sensation and tell himself everything would be alright, that those good old days were far from over. Unfortunately he was proven wrong that same night where the usual goodnight text didn’t come. 


	7. dates part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sex and mildly dubious consent involved- Proceed carefully

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a few rough couple of weeks for me so here I am, writting to feel better. Thanks for all the sweet comments, you make my days so much happier.  
> On a side note, it's almost the last chapter were angst is the main topic. Fluff will be here soon.

“Hey, I know it’s weird but I’m back in Berlin from bootcamp and I wanted to see you” The text said. _weird_ Martin thought looking at the screen, recognizing the number immediately: Elias. Martin took a moment to ponder what he wanted to say and how he felt about it: He knew Elias as a player and on a more personal level and he knew he had a crush on him since he kinda liked him as well and they had flirted a lot in the past... The text came in a strange moment, in a moment where Martin felt lost, where he felt like nothing could ever compare to the happiness he was experimenting just a few moments before. He felt so happy, so complete, he knew nothing would ever be that good again and then, he felt sad. _Happiness is not made for me,_ he thought and then those for words coming out from Hyli’s mouth _you are a good friend…_ those words kept ringing in his head in a loop like an old broken record while he answered the text without further consideration   
“Yeah, I'd like to meet. My place?” He smiled since he felt complimented by the text but he was not really cheerful   
“Sounds good. Text me the address later”. and just like that, it was settled: _I have a date_ Martin thought... Wait, was it a date? He was pretty sure it was, why else would Elias want to meet him? It obviously was not going to be to ask for advice on how to improve at league, he knew Elias was too proud to ask for help and if he actually needed it, he wouldn’t ask _him._ Maybe it was something bootcamp related? Martin was sure he had just agreed to have a date with Upset in his apartment. As he escorter Hyli to the gaming house like he had done all those days since the morning coffee dates started, the ADC kept second-guessing his decision: Martin hadn’t dated in ages. Since he started a relationship with Rasmus and more than a year after they broke up he had retired from the dating department. Also, he was actually never a casual dater: he had only dated people he was really interested in and wanted to have a relationship with: Rasmus, Feviben, Klaj. But this time was different, new. It’s not like he didn’t like Elias, he was actually a really good catch: he was pretty, smart and easy to talk to- They liked the same kind of music and had a pretty similar play-style. He made him laugh but also made him really angry when he behaved like a spoiled child. He was a great guy and really hot, but Martin never thought of dating him so this was a first for him. He said goodbye to Hyli while he kept thinking about that night so he didn’t notice how heartbroken Hyli looked, standing in the stairs of the gaming house, watching him go. 

  
Elias said he was going to be there around seven so he tried to be ready in time: he stepped in the bathroom to take a shower and he looked himself in the mirror only to discovered he was in a much better state than just a few weeks before: He was still a bit too skinny but nothing to worry about, his skin looked better and the black bags under his eyes had completely disappeared and it was all thanks to his Hyli… no, it was thanks to his new healthy lifestyle. He could do it without Hyli.   
He got dressed in his favourite black jeans and shirt and asked for a pizza to arrive at nine. Meanwhile he tidied up the place: not that it needed much since he was a fairly clean and organized guy but just enough to look clean yet casual. A few minutes after seven, the bell rang and suddenly Martin became anxious about the whole situation. _this is wrong._ Martin took a deep breath before opening the door just to lose it again by the sight of the other ADC: Elias was wearing a dark blue hoodie and black jeans with white shoes that looked very good on him.   
“Hey, sorry I’m late” He said smiling. His hair was shorter and he was a bit taller from the last time he saw him.   
“it’s ok, come on in” Martin was on edge for the first time in ages but he pretended everything was ok, that this was a casual visit from an old friend.   
“nice place you have here” Elias took a small tour through the living room and the kitchen: Martin’s place wasn’t a big fancy apartment but rather a small comfy one. He didn’t really need that much space and it was easier to clean so he was very proud of his choice   
“Yeah, I don’t regret moving out of the gaming house. I mean, Fnatic installations are great but living with a bunch of nosy guys it’s a bit too much for me now. i just love privacy so much” he explained taking a seat on the edge couch closely followed by Elias. He sat close, but not too close to make him uncomfortable.   
“I can see why. I’ve been thinking about moving out too…” the conversation became fluid and easy as they waited for the pizza to arrive. They talked about gaming houses, teammates, and bootcamps. They both hated bootcamps and living in a house full of people who sometimes didn’t bother to shower in days. Martin put some background music to soften the air and they both relaxed like they were two friends just hanging out and not on a date. Maybe Martin was wrong, maybe it was just a hang out after all yet Martin was having a really good time- He was less anxious and the stress disappeared almost completely. He didn't care that it was not an actual date. they kept talking and laughing as they were just good old friends while they ate what turned out to be their favourite pizza. 

at some point of the night they laughed so hard at Martin telling a story about his first professional game that Elias spilled his drink all over his shirt  
“oh, shit” He cursed under his breath. A big stain was starting to form in his perfectly white shirt   
“oh, I can wash it if you want,” Martin told him and Elias studied his face for a minute while contemplating his options… he could go home with a dirty and sticky shirt or he could wash it and maybe spend the night there… Martin felt uncomfortable about the scrutiny Elias was putting him through so he stood up swallowing hard   
“I don’t want to cause you trouble…”   
“it’s ok, i’ll put it on the washing machine now. give it to me” Elias took it off, obedient almost eager and stood there, shirtless looking a little bit too comfortable with the whole situation.   
“you are gonna be cold. Come with me, i’ll give you a shirt” Martin tried to take a deep breath to catch the sight that Elias’ hot body took from him. Suddenly, he wasn’t feeling so calm and collected as he once felt. With his pulse going faster, he told Elias to follow him.   
Elias walked behind Martin to his room and sat in his bed as the blond opened his wardrobe to check for a shirt that could be comfortable for Elias to be in. after a minute of consideration, Elias spoke   
“I want that one” the boy said standing up from his position on the bed and pointing at something Martin could not understand   
“which one?”   
“this one” He whispered as he came closer to Martin’s body and touched the hem of the shirt he was wearing. Suddenly Martin felt a rush of excitement and his heart started racing like crazy. Elias was too close for comfort, his smell of peaches flooded to his nose and the warmth of his body flowing to his. He looked up, Elias was a bit taller than him and found those blue eyes looking at him with clear desire   
“You can have it if you want” Martin muttered, seductively, and took his time to take it off, letting Elias wander through his body at first with his eyes and then with his cold, soft hands. It was the first time he was going to have casual sex and he was not ready for it: trust was very important issue to Martin since he had so many troubles with his self image. He needed trust to feel comfortable… but, on the other side he was really, really horny. Elias had a great body and his hands wandering his skin only aroused him more.   
“It’s better this way,” He whisper, drawing his lips closer to Martin’s and letting his fingers touch every one of the abs of the suede like tiny butterflies. Martin closed the gap between them to find Elias' lips. They felt fuller and sweet and quickly he started to experiment on them: biting his lower lip, sucking it, letting his tongue relish those big lips. A soft moan escaped from Elias making Martin’s erection grow harder. Elias toyed with the waistband of Martin’s pants while letting him feel his own tent… There was nothing gentle about this kiss anymore, just pure lust and need. Martin bringed a hand around Elias’ neck, grabbing him by the slim shoulder, and blindly searched for the bed just three steps behind them. Martin throws his head back with a soft moan when Elias pushes him onto the bed as he takes the last pieces of clothes separating them and stood there, looking at Martin like it was art and he was blinded by the perfection of the work. Martin has never been in this position before: being the one on the bottom was weird. He somehow felt defenseless, as if Elias could do whatever he wanted with him. and he probably could. Everything was so different with Elias. They resumed the kissing once more and he felt Elias' hand going down in a slow but steady move, like he knew very well what to do with him. Elias pinned Martin’s hands above his head and touched his dick gently feeling how hard he was, how precum started to leak. A moan escaped from Martin’s mouth “i love when you do that” Elias said touching him again, causing more moans.   
Elias went for his ass then. Softly, carefully he massaged his ring and put a small amount of lube in his fingers while kissing Martin’s abs. Martin throws his head back with a soft moan when Elias pushes a slick finger inside him that slides in easily. Elias could probably take Martin in just like that, without further preparation, but he can’t resist the temptation: He finds the spot, a small tight ball of nerves under his fingers, and watches how with every rub on it Martin’s breaths become more and more erratic. He could do this all night making the great ADC fall apart on the bed sheets underneath him just to put him back together again. The superstar, the wonderboy was all his. With a shaky exhale he kisses his neck, sloppy and languid, and sucks at his clavicle leaving a mark for the world to see. Martin could not think straight: he was so aroused, he felt so good being touched like that after so long of only touching himself, he could not stop Elias from marking him even though he would have wanted to

“Who would have known you’ll be like this, the superstar being a moaning little bitch” murmurs Elias enjoying the way his words make Martin’s breath hitch, “And aaall for me to take.” Elias adds a third finger, sliding it in roughly, making Martin hiss. Elias leans in for a kiss, biting lightly at Martin’s lower lip. The way Elias was touching him was way too much or MArtin to take: he was not used to being a mess, to being the submissive kind but Elias was way too good at putting him like that: like a little needy bitch. “fuck me” he said, his voice barely audible.  
“is that easy? I though at least you put up a fight”   
“please…”   
“if you ask me like that…” Elias slicks up his cock, and slides in, mouth open in a breathless moan. He slides out slowly and pounds back in, making Martin inhale sharply underneath him. Johan props himself on his arm by Martin’s shoulder, and repeats the motion. “This what you wanted?” Another roll of hips. “To get used like this?” Martin could not say a word: the world around him spinned out of control, and it was not only from ecstasy. Martin’s eyes are closed but he nods frantically. Elias slides his hand down the side of Martin’s face, dragging a finger across his lips, and rests the palm on his neck. Martin surrenders to him completely as Elias feels tension build up in the pit of his stomach. “you are mine now” He whispers as he comes with a breathless moan. Martin's eyes flutter shut, and he bites his lower lip as he comes, too, spilling warm liquid over his stomach and squeezing Elias’ cock inside him.

They are both breathless, and they kiss, soft and tender even when Martin doesn’t feel that way at all- He felt… weird, used. He tried to act chilled as he gets up to clean himself. Elias was sleepy after they were done: he curled up in martin’s bed asking “can i sleep here tonight?” His blue eyes were shut, like he was not truly asking for permission  
“yeah, no problem'' Martin answered, still trying to get a grasp of the whole situation. Elias fell asleep surprisingly quick letting Martin submerge in the deep silence of his house. _What was that?_ he asked himself. Martin was a very hard thinker and he prided himself to be very introspective and all he felt was that it was wrong. I'm _not like that. I don’t enjoy being like this._ _  
_ Martin grabbed a cup of coffee and sat at the couch, reflecting. He liked Elias, but he did not like to be treated like that… like a toy, like some object you could use just like that. But also, he was aroused, he enjoyed the sex after all… It was all very confusing. He checked the time in his phone: 2 am. Probably too late for text Hyli, even though he knew he was probably up, still playing league or reading, a newly discovered hobby of his. But texting him felt wrong, like he was cheating on him, like he was being dishonest. _we are friends, i don’t owe him an explanation_ Martin thought, still something inside him just didn’t had the courage to text him good night. It was a very intimate situation and in that very moment, he felt like a whore.   
Suddenly a thought… something in the back of his head told him that everything was going to be alright if only… No, he had promised Hyli he would not do that anymore. _But maybe just this once i could try something I hadn't tried in a while… just to shake the feeling of sadness and emptiness inside his stomach… just this once…_

It didn’t felt magical. Not like the magic he now knew it was possible to reach this way, but at least it helped. He punished himself for being this stupid, this weak, and he somehow he felt better like that: tired but wide awake and bleeding- Not much, he didn’t wanted to go too far, just a few small scratch to remind him that he was actually alive.   
He went back to bed, feeling better for a brief moment, coffee in hand but still untouched. He fell asleep in the same bed with Elias, just like nothing happened.   
Martin woke up past noon the next day with the worst headache in his life. The bed was empty but there was a very polite note in his nightstand from Elias: he enjoyed the date and would love to repeat it sometime soon. Martin covered his eyes, ashamed but didn’t stay in bed long: he had sheets to wash and a bathroom to clean before leaving to Fnatic gaming house for their first official meeting before the preparations for the season began.He took a long shower and he saw a completely different Martin in the mirror: a broken boy in a wounded body looking empty. He did not like the image he was seeing, especially compared to the one he saw the day before- How easily things can change…   
  


“what is that?” hyli asked, pointing at Martin’s neck where a bruise was formed. He was waiting for the ADC just outside the gaming house, sitting on the stairs, a book in his hand.  
“it’s nothing” Martin answered trying to avoid the accusing look Hyli was giving him   
“ok, and where were you this morning? you didn’t even call”   
“i had to run some errands,” Hyli looked at him skeptically. He knew very well it was a lie: he had gone with Martin to do every errand he had to do all offseason. he would have invited him if it did   
“and last night?”   
“i went to bed early” _lie, lie, lie again until someone believes you_ was his most used mantra   
“ i hate when you lie to me, you know?   
“oh, i know.” He knew, they had argue in the past, when Martin left the hospital and Hyli wanted a really good explanation for that   
“i thought that we were friends, i thought we could share things”   
“we are and that’s the problem…” tried Martin but Hyli looked confused: of course he would not understand. He was Hyli after all, his lovely yet clueless support   
“why?   
“I just… I don’t want to discuss this”   
“oh, so we’re back to not talking? Back to being just teammates?” Hyli snapped: he finally felt like they were making progress, like they were finally best friends, like they could be...   
“yes. maybe we should!”   
“Oh, ok then. I’ll see you in the next emergency room then!” Low blow. Martin felt like he was just being slapped in the face. It hurted deeply inside but he just gave him a cold heartless look before answering him words he hoped hurt him as bad as they did to him   
“Maybe. Or maybe i won’t need your help. Maybe Elias would help me!”   
“That’s where you were? Fooling around with upset? He is a fuckboy!” Hyli said Elias game-name like poison, like he wanted to spit his name, like a bad word. He was really mad with Martin for calling Elias: they both knew he was just a fuckboy, the kind of guy you don’t date, the kind of guy you call just to have sex and that’s it. It irritates him that Martin could be so stupid, so blind to believe he was any diferrent from all the other LEC guys he had fucked   
“and what do you care? we’re just friends. Or teammates, actually”   
“I just want to protect you!” Hyli screamed- He knew a few heads had turned to watch them but he did not care. A bwipo could be listening through the door too, but he’ll explain later if he had to   
“well you don’t have to. I am a grown man you know, i can take care of myself”   
“oh really? i don’t remember the same….”   
“Would you stop bringing that up? it was not meant to be a constant source of blackmail”. after a full minute of consideration Hyli said: “you are right”   
“what?” Martin didn’t know if he actually heard that right. He was used to being the one to blame in every fight and never in his life had someone apologized to him. He looked at Hyli in disbelief “you’re right. I should not put you in the spot like this. It hurts you and i don’t wanna hurt you” he was almost on the verge of crying but he did not shed a tear: Hyli knew he was being cruel, he was being inconsiderate and mean to Martin on purpose and he regretted doing it. He liked him, he cherished him to hurt him the way he just did. He should be flogged for being such a bad friend, such a nasty fighter. He had something delicate in his hand and he had crushed it without mercy.   
“you know what? I better leave.- we’ll discuss this some other time” Martin could not fully focus in that moment. He could not let go of the image of Hyli, almost crying, asking him to forgive him.   
“you can’t go. We have a meeting in half an hour”   
“I’ll go get coffee then” And he left.


	9. just a few more lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for being late. It took me forever to actually feel like this is ready to be posted and I still don't feel like it's good enough. But here it is. Maybe i'll change it later, or maybe not. Thanks for the kuddos and the comments. They make me happy beyond words.  
> Sorry for the spelling mistakes and I want yo to know that i had really tried to keep the storyline from the other work. And sorry for this love to take this long, it's just how I feel it should be

Martin arrived to the meeting five minutes late: he didn’t want to be early and face Hyli and the rest of the team who probably heard the fight or Bwipo had told them, so he chose to take a walk by the nearest park just trying not to overthink too much and, of course, failing miserably. He checked his clock and knew he was running late,  _ good, _ he thought.    
Martin took a deep breath to calm himself down before opening the front door of the gaming house. Everyone was already there: Tim and Mads cuddling up on the couch right next to Bwipo who was scrolling down his phone seemingly not paying any attention and Hyli was also there, standing by the window, looking down just like he remembered from the last oficial meeting they had, right after the incident. When they were two complete strangers, when they were only teammates and nothing more. But now, that kind of distance felt like a knife on his chest, and he knew he could not survive another split alone. He had to talk to him, make him understand...   
“since we are all here, we can start with the meeting” the coach said and went into a life-long speech about the goals they had to achieve during the season and the mindset it was expected from them. Hyli never looked up even when Martin tried to catch his dark eyes, hidden behind those thick glasses but it was no use- Hyli would not look at him. The coach did not notice his botlane was falling apart, but the rest of the team did. So when Joey dismissed them Bwipo was the first to talk:

-ok, what is going on here?- Bwipo asked directly to the boys who exchanged a guilty look knowing they had probably heard the fight and wanted some explanation.    
“nothing” they said at the same time, making Bwipo frown and cross his arms. Tim and Mads kept silent but they were clearly listening.   
“hmm. let’s try again: what the hell is going on?”   
“ we just told you, nothing happened. There’s nothing wrong here”   
“I’ve never said something was wrong… but that’s a great clue”   
“look, we don’t need to talk about it, we just need to practice now. Can we please do this later? Or, like, never?” Martin walked away feeling the piercing eyes of his teammates in his back but no one said a word to him. They knew they should not push him into trying to talk when he was in that mood and that’s exactly what made Hyli so special: he would made him talk, even when he didn’t want to. He would break his shield, his walls and made him spill his feelings, letting them out and that made wonders for him. But for the rest of them he was only the team captain, the strong, independent, sometimes grumpy captain who would be there for them, who could come up with crazy plans to help them. The one who did not fall, who did not let the pressure get to him, but the reality was much more different than that: he was only a boy, lost inside a shell he created to maintain his Fnatic-wonder-boy image. and Hyli was the only one who dared to walk that path.    
Martin just needed the silence and quiet peace that playing league always gave him: without music, the only sounds in his headset were his favourite champion last hitting minions and dying over and over again. But, just like that, he could think: He should apologize to Hyli, he should have not treated him like an enemy because it was far from the truth. He was… growing too attached to Hyli and he was afraid he could fall over the dark hole of love. For him, love had become a dangerous trap, a path he could not walk without getting terribly hurted along the way. His wounds were enough proof of that. Yet, he had been an asshole and no matter how wounded he was, Hyli didn’t have to pay for all the past ghosts.    
The whole team practiced all afternoon, without much success. The chemistry was gone, everything felt wrong, and nothing could be done to repair the damage done.    
around nine, Bwipo closed his computer for the day.    
“Hey Hyli, you want to grab some ice cream?” he offered, while he scratched his head. The mood in the room was gloomy: everyone felt like they were just like in the beginning, like they had lost all type of team synergy, yet the clicking continued in three of the five computers in the room.    
“yeah, i need to get out of here” Hyli said and he meant more than just simply walking away from the screen. So he closed the client that now showed a red screen and scratched his tired eyes. next to him, Martin revolved, uncomfortable, but Hyli decided to ignore him for the time being and left with Bwipo to fetch some delicious ice cream

“ok man, you need to tell me what happened there. I mean, you were pretty much one person for months and now you don’t even look each other in the eye” Bwipo was licking his favourite chocolate ice cream while Hyli just looked far away, to the beautiful lights of Berlin, the ones who accompanied him and Martin on so many occasions, reflecting.    
“we just… i don’t know” he tried but he had no words to explain what happened: they had had a great day, the most amazing afternoon and then… everything crumbled in just a second.    
“can you walk me through it? Bwipo was a good friend for Hyli. He could sense the discomfort, he could feel how badly Hyli was feeling and he just wanted to help him, but for that, he needed the whole truth.   
“we… we had a fight”   
“yeah we all heard it, but what was it about?” Hyli blushed    
“I don’t know if i should tell you this but… he slept with Upset” Bwipo arched his brows but didn’t ask for details in that front. He knew that wasn’t the whole story so he should take the long road to find out everything   
“and what does that have to do with you?”    
“i don’t know! that’s why it’s so annoying. I mean, we all know Upset is a fuckboy, we all know he is not good” It was a completely reasonable explanation. For Hyli.    
“Yes, but Martin is a big boy. I’m sure he can deal with it so, again, why did all of this bother you all of the sudden?”   
“because I care for him and i don’t want him to be around such a bad crowd. I mean we had a nice spring together, we almost got our synergy back…”   
“can you tell me what happened the day before the fight? You were fine that day” he would have to rip out bit by bit every piece of the puzzle out of his friend   
“umm.. we went for coffee as usual, and then he took me to the most amazing library in Berlin- I mean it was truly unbelievable, full of rare books and limited editions and…” Bwipo gave him a look that said  _ cut to the chase _ . “And then we had lunch and talked and then I told him what a great friend he was and he got a text, that I suspect now it was from Upset and then we came back” Het skipped the part of how many hours he waited for the goodnight text until his eyes could not held open any longer, or how he had wake up early just to check his phone. He had showered and dressed and took care of his messy hair for the first time as he waited for the text that said Martin was picking him up for coffee. He would never tell him how much it hurted him to find out that it has been Upset who has gotten Martin’s attention. That was his secret. A secret so hidden that even Hyli could not entirely see through

“oh, so that explains it,” Bwipo said, after giving it some time for consideration. it was pretty obvious now how the whole thing developed but he knew Hyli could not see his own nose.   
“what? explains what?” Asked Hyli, impatient   
“well, it explains why Martin was acting so weird all of the sudden. And I have an idea of what you might be feeling”   
“well, explain it to me because I can’t understand.”   
“of course you don’t. But you have me little inter, to carry this for you” Hyli gave him a funny look but kept silent while Bwipo began: “Ok, so basically, Martin is in love with you” He said without hesitation. He was no good in creating suspense or being cryptic. Besided, Hyli would not understand him if he was.    
“WHAAAAAAAT? That 's not…”    
“let me finish. Martin is in love with you and you broke his heart by telling him you were only friends. And then he got a text,and yes, it was probably from Upset. And he was all sad and heartbroken so he probably thought that some love could be good for him in that moment so they had a date. And finally, you are jealous”   
“jealous of who? Martin? I don’t wanna hook up with Upset at all”    
“Oh my god, how can you find your own face everyday? you are so blind!” Bwipo exclaimed. He loved his friends but he could not understand how he was that stupid   
“well, I  _ do wear glasses” _ _  
_ “hyli, my friend, my dear inter. you are jealous  _ of _ Upset. You are in love with Martin too but you can’t see it because your own stupidity”   
“ok, first of all: i’m not stupid. Second of all, you are wrong. I do not love Martin. He is just a friend, we’d been so close to each other and been through a lot but that’s it” Hyli was getting angry. He was no homo, he just never felt interested in guys and Martin was no exception. He was a friend and he wanted the best for his friend but nothing more. He felt insulted like never before when Bwipo told him that.   
“wait...you are not gay?” the surprised expression in his friend face was more insulting than anything   
“of course not! why would you think that?”   
“well, we did talk about good looking guys when we tried to help Tim and Mads…”   
“yes but that was only for the plan!”   
“are you sure? You got very angry when you heard the whole Martin-Upset situation”   
“well you are wrong. Now leave me alone”    
Hyli walked away feeling angry and uneasy. Bwipo did not follow him, he knew Hyli just needed time for the thought to sink in. Maybe someday he could see how he really felt for Martin and be happy together. Bwipo only hoped it wasn’t too late when he did realize it.    
Meanwhile Hyli came back to the gaming house and stormed to his room not even checking who was there. He walked up and down his room, lost in thought.   
Bwipo was wrong. He was not in love with Martin. He was not in love with a man!. No, that could not be true. He only cared for his friend because he knew the dark path he could walk and how easily he could get lost in bad feelings and that’s it! He was not in love. Not at all.  _ but those dates… and how I felt that day… No! _   
A soft knock in his door brought him back to reality and stopped his pacing   
“who is it?” he said and a blond hair appeared    
“can we talk?”


	10. it's never easy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did not re-read it more than once so it might be horrendous mistakes here.  
> Thanks for all the support and sorry for all the drama. Drama is the name of the game for this story. Again thanks for the feedback, it makes me really happy and want to continue

“yes” Hyli said and sat down on his bed feeling the tension building up on his body: he had so many things to say and some of them were hard but he had to. He needed his relationship with Martin to be back to its glory days. Martin goes into the messy, full of dirty clothe and books and stand in the middle of the room, hesitating for a moment before open his mouth   
“i…” he began but Hyli interrupted him. He felt like he should say what he wanted to say, to take out of his chest the feelings he had been carried for the last 24 hours   
“i’m sorry”. Martin opened his big green eyes, stupefied- once again Hyli was surprising him with an apology. A true apology. So true that his regret was written all over his face. He had never seen a face like that: so crystal clear on his emotions, so honest. He would have to get used to not being the one to blame everytime.    
“I’m sorry too. I should not have yelled at you” Martin lowered his head feeling guilty for how he had treated him.   
“it’s ok, you were right: I can’t tell you who to date and if you and Upset are happy together, I am happy for you too” those words felt heavy , like he had a tennis ball on his throat. But he just smiled and hoped that would hide how strangely bad he felt   
“I…”   
“Let me finnish: I also would like to apologize for bringing up the Rotterdam incident during the fight. I know it’s not fair and I should not have used it against you- I want you to trust me, to really, fully trust me and to feel like you can tell me anything but I won’t get that if anything you give me is used like a weapon. So, i’m sorry. I won’t make that mistake again” Martin heard all of those words, every single one of them and held down the tears. Or at least he tried.    
Zdravets Hylissang Galabov was all too blind: he was blind to his own feelings, how he felt in that very moment, watching his best friend shine under the light that was coming from the street. He failed to see what Bwipo could see so clearly: they were deeply and hopelessly in love with each other, more so than Tim and Mads, a love built from a bond, born from their needs to be saved. Yet he could not deny what he was seeing in that precise moment: The always stoic, valiant, unimpressed Martin was about to break right in front of him. His broad shoulders were not straight anymore, his awkward smile had vanished and all he could see was his eyes, darker now, full of unshed tears. He could not stop himself from reaching out to Martin and hold him in a tight embrace right there in the middle of the room with the soft lightning coming from the nightstand and the golden street lights.   
“I…” he tried but the words refused to be spoken. He wanted to say so many things: that he was thankful for his words, that he could never have imagined having someone like him, that he was sorry, that he was surprised, that he was…   
“shh” Hyli murmured and led them both to the bed. There, between his comforting arms, Martin cried. He cried like he never did in the past, like no one had seen him. It took him an hour for him to finally calm down enough to look Hyli in the eyes and find the most loving and compassionate look he had ever seen.   
“Thank you” He said with his voice a bit muffled.   
“you don’t need to thank me. I told you before: i’m here for you”   
“Yes. You are here and you are looking at me like that, and being so patient with me and I cannot understand how you can be like that.”   
“what do you mean? You are amazing Martin. Not only are you a great team leader but also a great friend for everyone: you are kind and passionate and you made ridiculously complicated plans to help two people in love. you are loving and caring and…” Hyli could not continue to describe Martin’s many virtues because Martin’s face was suddenly too close, his eyes were locked and without a second warning his soft lips were on his…   
The kiss lasted just moments, only the few instants that took Martin to realize he had made a terrible mistake. When their lips parted Hyli didn’t move, his eyes as big as the dark sky above their heads.    
“I gotta go” Martin said and ran off from the room, leaving Hyli staring at the door, still unable to move.

Martin runned like crazy, straight to his apartment.  _ What have I done? What the HELL DID I JUST DO? I RUINED EVERYTHING!  _ his head kept screaming at him  _ how could I be so stupid? How? I ruin everything I touch, I'm such a failure. We had a great thing going on and I ruined everything. I can’t…  _ Martin reached his door and went straight to the bathroom. He felt sick, he felt stupid and powerless. He felt like the worst person who ever walked the earth. He has ruined the relationship with the only person that ever cared for him. He deserved nothing but the worst. His thoughts kept running and screaming at him for all the damage he had done and how he needed a punishment for his actions… Yes, that was what he needed: to be punished, to pay for the crime he had committed and he knew very well how to do it…

Meanwhile, only a few blocks away, Hyli was still looking at the closed door, trying to grasp all that happened during that day and it was just  _ too _ much for his poor little heart: the fight, the talk with Bwipo that kept repeating in his brain and the kiss, oh the kiss…   
And for a few minutes he pondered the possibility that it was all a dream. A strange nightmare that will end up with the good morning text from martin. But he could not lie to himself that much. He had been kissed. Kissed by his best friend. And he also could not deny the butterflies he had felt in that exact moment.  _ it’s a mistake. I'm not like that. Martin is a friend, a very confused friend but I'm not like that… But then, what is this strange feeling in my chest? _ his heart was racing, his pulse could probably alert a cardiologist and his stomach felt like the home for every butterfly in Berlin.  _ No. I’m not like that. I’m not. Bwipo is wrong and Martin is confused. But his face… _ flashes of Martin’s expression kept passing through his eyes: the sadness, the shame, the guilt. Every emotion Martin had showed was carved in his brain.    
Hyli didn’t knew how many hours or even days had passed, just lost in his own troubled mind. He didn’t even heard the loud knock on his door until a familiar face and a body came in, just like it was his own room.    
“I just wanted to check on you before going to bed…What the hell happened?” Bwipo went from slightly sleepy to fully alert after seeing how pale and braindead his best friend looked   
“He kissed me…” Hyli was sitting in his bed, in shock, not able to move or breath normally. He felt like he was about to pass out any minute there yet his thoughts kept racing like wild horses   
“what? Who kissed you?” Bwipo sat next to him but giving him space, he didn’t know how he could react at the sudden closessness   
“Martin. He… he kissed me”    
“when? How?”   
“He came here and we talked and all of the sudden he was kissing me and I could not move and, oh my God this is so wrong, what are we gonna do?” The state of shock seemed to have passed only to become a hurricane of adrenaline and desperation. Bwipo grabbed Hyli by the shoulder, stopping him in a vain attempt to calm him down.   
“Calm down. Everything is gonna be fine. You just need to calm down”   
“Calm down? I can’t calm down. Everything is a mess, and I just feel…”   
“how do you feel?” Bwipo tried to catch his eyes, just to make him focus for a minute a calm the storm that was evidently going through his head   
“i feel confused. I don’t know what to think or what to do with this and, oh my god you were right! He _ is _ in love with me!” Hyli screamed and felt like a brick falling to his head, almost knocking him down   
“Yeah, that’s just a  _ part _ of what i said but ok. First we need to calm you down. then we can figure this out together.” He grabbed him by the wrist and dragged him down to the kitchen where he put the teapot and sat Hyli there, who looked like he was in trance.    
Finally Bwipo sat on the kitchen table putting a calming tea in Hyli’s hands and some soothing music to calm his nerves.   
“ok, we can sort this out. so Martin kissed you” Bwipo began slowly trying to not upset Hyli too much   
“yes” he answered looking at his tea like he could not remember how to drink it.   
“you were talking and he kissed you” taking the long road again...   
“yes”   
“you were talking about what?”   
“I was apologizing for the fight and he was about to cry so i told him how great he was, how compassionate and loving and handsome and then he kissed me”   
“oh come on now! you can’t tell me you told him all of that and felt nothing” Bwipo was trying to be a patient, understanding kind of friend but he was losing his temper just watching HYlo throw everything away just for being a stubborn little man   
“I don’t. I mean, i do feel like he is a great guy and he is obviously hot and all but that’s it” He blushed and every excuse flew out of the window   
“and how did the kiss felt?” he teased, maybe it would need a different approach   
“What do you mean?”   
“how did you feel after the kiss? Were you happy? Did your heart jump out of your chest? Did your stomach fill with butterflies?”    
“how did you know?” asked Hyli confused and Bwipo rolled his eyes so hard his head hurted   
“that’s called LOVE my friend. That’s how you feel when you are in love with someone. You wait for their texts, their calls, you smile more and enjoy every second around that person. and you get jealous when they are with somebody else” the toplaner explain and he wonder if he would actually have to use a chart to make him understand. Or maybe he could use the strategy whiteboard...   
Silence. The he threw his hands into the air in frustration   
“could it be…?”   
“it is.” Bwipo nooded “ You just need to accept it.”    
“i can’t”   
“why?”   
“it’s just wrong. I wasn’t raised to fall in love with a man. I’m supposed to get married, to be in a relationship with a lovely woman who would get along great with my big family” Hyli explained with sincerity and his friend could see he truly believed that: he was supposed to have a christmas card family with the dog and all and he felt he could not disappoint his family’s wish. But he did not agree with that:   
“well, technically you  _ can _ get married and be in a serious relationship with an equally lovely man who can get along with your family just fine. I mean, they love you and they want to see you happy, right? and if Martin can make you happy then what’s the problem?   
“you really think so?”   
“I do. And I’ll be really happy for you if you find that person whether it’s a man or a woman. And we are in a house full of gay people so they probably would be just as excited”   
“i don’t know…” Bwipo knew that was all he could do for the moment. It was all up to Hyli and his thick head to do the rest.   
“just think about it. Think about the possibility of being truly happy and if it doesn’t work, at least you tried, isn’t that what you always do little inter? And with that all solemnity was laughed off.    
They smiled and Hyli stood up to go to his room and give it some time to reflect.   
“and Hyli?”   
“yeah?”   
“don’t keep Martin waiting for too long ok?” Hyli nooded. whether it’s gonna be happy news or a sad decision, he would give him a rightful answer soon. Or at least he meant to.   
  
A few days later Hyli was ready: ready to acknowledge some of his feelings but Martin did not show up the next day. Or the day after that. And then a week passed and he still did not set a foot into the office nor replied to any of the messages he had sent him. “he’s sick” Joey said one particular afternoon after a meeting where Mads and Tim asked about Rekkles absence and Hily had a terrible sensation in the pit of his stomach.


End file.
